Monday, April 16, 2012

The Best "Exotic Pet"

   You know those crazy (stupid) people who own "exotic pets" (wild animals)? Yeah, those people you hear about with like tigers and chimps as pets instead of, I don't know, a hamster. You know why you know what I'm talking about? Because you hear about them in the media because they get mauled or killed or their face gets eaten. It's true. I would never own an exotic pet, for reasons that those with common sense I'm sure can understand-- I, for one, do not want to get mauled or killed or have my face eaten. But beyond that, I find it cruel and completely ridiculous to take a wild animal out of it's natural habitat. And these people are surprised that they're mauled? Hello, your tiger is not a kitty. It is a predator. There are reasons why people domesticated animals-- so they would be domestic and not wild and not kill you. That's why that happened, and that's why you should have a domestic pet and not a fucking chimp that will indeed bite your face off if you look at it the wrong way (and said "wrong way" is determined by the chimp, not you).
   This rant I am using as a disclaimer, just to make clear that I in no way support having wild animals as pets, and would never ever have a wild animal as a pet because I am highly (and clearly, after that rant), against it.
   However, if I was to have a wild animal as a pet, I would without a doubt have a sloth. Yes, a sloth. They would make a fantastic buddy (I'm not even going to use the word pet because I seriously don't want one as a pet-- I really just want to cuddle with one. Judge me all you want.) for several reasons:

  1.    They are beyond adorable. Have you seen a baby two-toed sloth? I have, and this is literally the thought that runs through my head as I stare into it's cute lovable eyes: IT JUST WANTS LOVE. AND I WANT TO GIVE IT THAT LOVE. I am dead serious, that is what I think. Look at that baby sloth hugging that giraffe stuffed animal. You know you wish you could be that stuffed animal.
  2. They are not dangerous predators. Common sense, kids. You want a wild animal for a pet? How about not getting a vicious carnivore then? Sloths eat leaves, and due to this diet they have a slow metabolic rate and therefore are very low energy creatures. They are slow moving and tend to sleep a lot. In fact, they move so slow that in the wild algae grows on them (provides camouflage for them, so not necessarily as bad as it sounds). Point being, even if the sloth did want to kill you, you'd probably walk away before it could really do anything. Beyond maybe a glare here and there, you probably wouldn't even know it wanted to kill you. Though I like to think that sloths would be a benevolent creature, who wouldn't have murderous desires.
  3. They are fucking adorable. I don't think you understood the first time. These critters are just about the cutest thing in the world. Here, look at another picture. It's so happy looking. It's just like "Hey there, I'm just an adorable baby sloth, hugging onto some fuzzy thing. Nah, it's cool, I can hang here while you bask in awe at my cuteness." Yep. That's right. Except that I would actually like to think that sloths would be a very humble creature, so read that quote in an innocent and sweet tone.
  4. Just in case you're still uncertain of their cuteness. I can't possibly fathom that any of you could possibly still be doubting their absolute adorableness, but in case you are (or you're like me, and just want more slothy goodness), watch this video. Because not only do they look adorable, but they also make the cutest noises. Brace yourselves for utter cuteness.
   You can die happy now, can't you? So, to recap, I love sloths. Probably a bit too much, but seeing as I'm a nerd when it comes to animals in general, I'm not too concerned. Plus, I made a valid argument as to why I love them so very much. As you can about imagine, I want to visit a sloth sanctuary (where the video was) and it is truly a dream of mine to hold a baby sloth. It will happen. And then my life will be complete.

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